And/Forever.

January the twenty-seventh gifted me with Emily. She had bright blue-green eyes line with an untidy, caliginous black and wavy auburn hair that forever reached her shoulders. Every Saturday she would wait for me with a bouquet of daisies she picked herself and a box of heart-shaped chocolates. She told me to give them to the old lady that lived next door so that she wouldn't feel so alone. Emily always wore the same lacerated shirt - the one with the missing buttons, neatly ripped jeans and worn-out sneakers. They are comfortable, she would say. At least I'd never lose you in a crowd, I would always reply. And she would tenderly kiss me on the cheek. Every time.

February the twenty-eighth sat me next to Emily at our local cafe. Every Sunday we would share a stack of pancakes at our favourite table where we could come together in a strawberry and maple syrup kiss. Emily, with her snowy white top and caliginous jeans hid only a rainbow of colours beneath. Emily, who smiled so delicately was real. I decided this cafe would be my favourite place in the world. I decided I would always miss Emily when she wasn't around. Always.

March the twenty-second proved my thoughts about Emily being perfect. As we were taking the long way home we found a grey kitten with matted fur and bent whiskers. Emily picked him up and wrapped him in her own blue sweater - the one with the holes in the sleeves she made with her thumbs - and named him Lucky. As we continued walking she swore she would always love and that should would always take care of him; no matter what happened. She kissed the top of the kitten's head and whispered softly; the world is a big place and sometimes you'll get lost, but love is bigger and that's all that will ever matter. I asked her if she had enough to raise a kitten. She told me all she needed was her heart.

May the twelfth brought Emily and I to an opening in the woods where every star in the sky was visible. She awed at how beautiful the sky was and we named the constellation ourselves. Emily, slightly shivering in my arms held my hand with the biggest grin and asked me if I wanted to know why the sky was so amazing. I told her I did. She went on to tell me about how someone on the other side of the world would be looking at the same exact sky that we were. I decided this would be my new favourite spot in the world. I remembered what Emily said about the world being a bigger place and how sometimes we might get lost, but love is bigger and that is all that matters. I remembered the moment Emily's eyes fluttered shut as we fell asleep watching the many swirling galaxies beneath the many evergreen trees.

June the fifteenth found me curled and trembling beside Emily's naked body as we wove under her bedsheets. The way she looked at me with her eyes lined in black and flushed cheeks was immaculate. She slipped her fingers into my hair as she breathed my name. She was so delicate I was afraid I might break her breath. When she ceased she retrieved a box of chocolates from beneath her bed. She asked me if I would be hers forever. I told her I was hers the day we met.

July the third brought me a blue-skied morning, birds gently singing on the tin roof and Emily gently rasping at my door with a basket of strawberries and news I wish I had never heard. She told me the strawberries were the sweetest fruit she had ever tasted. Lucky the kitten was gently purring between Emily's feet when she told me she had been sick since February. I clenched my hands into fists but she easily unwrapped them and placed her fingers between mine. She was so strong. I looked into her eyes, now lined in red, and asked if she was going to be okay. I secretly prayed she would say yes. She said maybe.

August the eighth reassured me that a stack of pancakes could brighten my day no matter what. My stomach was content and Emily's fingers were locked between mine as maple syrup was trapped at the corners of her cherry red lips; I kissed them away from her icy cold skin. Emily, with her trembling hands and skinny wrists was still stunning. Emily, with her stitches and doctors on speed-dial was mine. I decided Emily's laugh would be the prettiest sound in the world. I decided I needed Emily and loved her with all my heart.

September the sixteenth reminded me of how much it hurts when you want to cry but you just. You just can't. Snow had fallen slowly throughout the week, forming a blanket on top of everything that existed. The wind that blew hurt my teeth. But then they came; tears rolled down my cheeks one after another and froze as they fell onto the pavement. My chest was heavy, I felt nauseated and I was terrified. I could hardly breathe. Three months is a long time she said. I asked her what I would do if something did happen. She told me the world was a big place and sometimes I might get lost, but love is bigger and that's all that matters. You'll always have my heart she said. I started praying for Emily every night.

December the tenth brought joy as Emily's eyes widened as she opened her birthday present. She told me it was beautiful and I leaned over to kiss her forehead. It was a photograph I had taken in the woods of millions of glittering stars against the black silhouette of the sky. I helped her place the frame on her bedside table so that it faced her and held her hand until a nurse came and told me I had to leave. That was the hardest part of my day - leaving Emily alone at night. I remembered to stop by her house to feed Lucky the kitten and as I stared into her empty room I was reminded of the first time she told me she loved me and her sweet vanilla lip balm.

December the twenty-seventh prompted me to visit Emily's fourteen-day-old grave. I replayed every memory of her I had in my head; her bright blue-green eyes, her wavy auburn hair that forever reached her shoulders. How she wore the same shirt - the one with the missing buttons, neatly ripped jeans and worn-out sneakers. And how her cheeks flushed when we wove under her bedsheets. Her epitaph was amazing; a heart-shaped stone with simple carved letters. I would visit her grave as often as I could. Every time I would read the words upon her grave one by one - life is short, but love is eternal.

And I knew she was right.

Fawn/Fair.

I think back to the reason that I started blogging; now that I have kind of stopped. I'm starting again though, because I remembered why I started writing in the first place. Because I had a lot on my mind and it was January. I don't think the month had anything to do with it though. So I wrote. And then I stopped.

And now two months. It's winter. And the season does have something to do with it. Something - I don't know what though. Some things I'll never know and I had to let them go. But. I can't pretend that I can't see this. Because I do. And with these eyes.

Now I think I'm taking this far. It's not your fault. It's purely yours. Oh I just figured it out. I'm writing again because of a fault. Damn. I can't say I'm sad. I'm just being ridiculous. I live my life. I get up in the morning. I leave the house. And I walk fifteen minutes down the road to catch a train into town.

And it's great. Because I always sleep in an extra five minutes or so in the morning. And that's great because I miss the express to town. But that's cool. And the train ride is always amazing. The seat don't all face the same way. That has nothing to do with it. By the train reaches the stop where I get on it's usually full - in the sense that each double-seat has at least one person in it.

And it's great. I'm not very picky about who I sit next to. I always get on the front carriage though because you avoid the riot when you get off in town. And the story begins. One day, somehow, I managed to start a conversation with the person next to me. And that's where the story finishes.

But that day. Was rainy. And a Thursday. And that's where the detail starts. Because I feel over-private about this matter although there is no reason too. But it was amazing. I was bored of listening so I decided to occupy myself by looking at stuff around the room. The smell of formaldehyde was really getting to me. Weird to say; but I kind of liked it. Kind of like petrol. But yeah. But when I turned my head there was just this specific something.

Actually. Amazing.

"I climb, I slip, I fall. Reaching for your hands but I lay here all alone; sweating all your blood. If I could find out how to make you listen now. 'Cause I'm starving for you here with my undying love and I. I will."

Piece/Quiet.

A few weeks ago I bought a healing crystal off the internet. And I admit, ever since I got it in the mail I have been wearing it like I have had it my whole life. I'm not sure what it is but ever since I have started wearing this crystal I have felt different. Being the curiously person I am, I consulted the catalogue at the local library and found a book - Wicca.

And from what I read, Wicca is kind of like witchcraft. To be precise, it is witchcraft. Needless to say, the book grew on me like a vine (in a good way) and to such an extent I am going to blog about it xD.

To start, the whole stereotypical thing about witchcraft is far from right. Of course, we all see the stereotype as something dark and evil; the whole casting spells and curses and hexing people. And this is true to an extent. Like a lot of things in the big bad world Wicca has been divided into Black and White. Black Wicca is similar to what I described above and White Wicca is the art of healing through spells and enchantments and whatnot.

As you can see I'm not very good with the whole Wicca thing yet and the book I read helped to develop a foundation for my understanding of what was classified as philosophy under the Dewey System. So far I have learned how rituals are performed, who does them and their effect. And there are oh so many.

However, back-tracking up a few paragraphs the reason I got this book was because I wanted to read about crystals and their characteristics. I knew my crystal was quartz and it turns out that quartz is a crystal that every crystal owner should have. The crystal or point pendent is cut precisely and at the end of the crystal all the sides come together at a point. This represents the harmony (I couldn't think of a better word) of the elements - earth, water, fire, wind and spirit.

And from this it has been suggested that a person wearing it will be presented with emotional stability and it may be used to cleanse an are where Wicca is performed. Incredible; I thought. So I kept reading.

And that is pretty much what I am up to.

And yeah, I'm working on a story at the moment about a girl who moves from New Zealand the to a country in the Northern Hemisphere - maybe The States or Canada by herself. The intro is below.

A tint of blue of a polished shade of grey rushed in my ear and out the other. The ground shook a little and a stream of crisp, golden air flooded my senses, causing my hair to flutter unnaturally in one direction.

I looked up at the giant clock on the platform; quarter to seven. Must have been the non-stop service that goes from Harrison Bay to out of town. It's mid-winter at the moment, there is only a matter of time before the snow starts to fall. I won't be able to leave the house because all of the doors and windows would have super-glued shut and the only source of heat would be that of the small fireplace in the living room.

Everything still seems so foreign. Back at home we didn't have subway stations and I had never seen snow before. The thought was frightening. If I were home it would be Summer; there would be a barbecue, birds chattering away in the large palm tree next door as the sun went down, family, friends. But here. Nothing.

Everyone was busy; all the time. No one on the streets would wave or say hi. If you didn't walk fast enough you would get bumped into and the back of your shoes would get stepped on.

Six fifty eight. Two more minutes.

[And yes I know, it doesn't really flow or anything at the moment because I was speed-writing it on paper and I haven't had the chance to edit it or anything.]

Save/Me.

I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you’re wearing thin down to the core. But. It’s just so cold in the mornings. The layers of clothing and the dark denim jeans were only a desperate attempt to keep me warm. And though they did, inside I felt like the snow falling gently outside these walls. I was confined, chained to thoughts. My eyes felt heavy as they squinted at the bright light of my cellphone. Quarter to six.

Tell me again, why am I awake? Why must I do this without meaning; without reason. I closed my eyes again. I might as well be dead. As I turned on the brightest and second brightest light in the bathroom the sudden explosion brought immediate pain to my eyes. My hands clutched at my head. I felt dizzy, confused, weak.

There was no cure.

I turned on the radio just before I leaped into the shower. That song I never liked. Perhaps the next song would be better. Nope. I hated that song because it was written for you. The steam started to gather and made it hard to breathe. I stood motionless. After dressing I forced myself to stop at the full length mirror. I didn't even care. You can never see what you look like. What you see in a mirror is just a reflection. What you see in a photograph is just colours that managed to arrange itself on glossy paper.

And you could never see yourself through someone elses eyes. I wouldn't want to anyway. The double-takes followed by muttering followed by nods and more muttering. What could they be saying? Oh, it's just one of them. Just a freak. Just a nobody.

I walk into a big white room and sit down on a plastic seat. I dared not to look up although the voice in my head was impatiently whispering - look up, look up; you'll never be able to. The feeling of hopelessness anchors my heart and sinks my soul into an ocean.

I was terrified. I knew I couldn't swim.

Fix your clothes and your hair, I told myself. So that nobody could see the sad truth of this lonely face in the crowd. Then it happened. The moment I would never forget for the rest of my life. Everything I could hope for. The moment that changed my life.

The moment I saw you.

Fictional/December.

Two stories I worked into one.

An absolutely perfect moment in mid-December. Black and blue hair covered both her eyes. Her snowy white top and caliginous jeans hid only a rainbow of colours beneath. Every step she made was hurried yet delicate.

Then she stopped; leaned forward and ran her fingers through the prickly grass. A dandelion. She breathed in deep.

She breathed. She was real.

A cascade of snow in the middle of summer.

I stood fixed on the pavement; looking down at my shoes. They were a faded shade of red, laced with white over and over again; until they stopped at what seemed like a perfect bow just beneath my ankles.

If only.

I looked up and saw her seated in the long grass. Her arms out behind her with her left leg over her right. The sun low in the sky. As I came closer she gestured me to sit down beside her.

'Can I see them now?' she asked quietly. 'Please?'

She lifted the camera from around my neck. She was so close. Her eyes not visible; her peppermint breath. No. Spearmint.

'Wow,' she exclaimed. 'These aren't bad.'

I looked at her.

'Actually, they're beautiful.'

'Not beautiful because I took them,' I paused. 'Beautiful because of what's in them.'

She smiled. Her braces gleamed in the sunlight. I raised my hand and used my fingers to gently brush the hair out of her eyes.

Eyes so violet. Eyes so green.

'Tomorrow?'

I smiled and closed my eyes.

I was lying on the freshly mown grass. The sun was warm once again and the wind whispered to me as it skimmed across my skin. The feeling was amazing. I didn't want anyone to take it away.

Shoes gripped at the gravel, sounding a definite crunch. I tried hard not to smile as the sound ceased. She was finally here. Whatever happened, I told myself, I would not open my eyes.

I felt fingers fill the gaps between mine. As I held on tight I felt something I had never before – reassurance. My heartbeat grew fast as her hair brushed across my face. The sweet scent of what seemed like strawberries and candyfloss.

She ran her fingers up my arm. I grasped them and smiled.

'Stop it,' I whispered. 'It tickles.'

She came closer. I braced myself. Her delicate lips touched mine. I felt her breathe on my neck. She knew this was my kryptonite.

I opened my eyes.

She smiled like always, exposing her gleaming braces as always. Her eyes lined in black; so green, so emotionless.

And tear fell onto my cheek.

'I love y-' she started.

Then her whole body shook violently as her eyes closed.

And she fell silently.

Summer. Summer.

Another day. On the way to uni on the train.

I woke up this morning without the sun and her warmth. It was quite odd because I woke up freezing. The sky was trying to hold on to the blue. It's been a tiring week. I have had to wake up at six or earlier everyday to go into university. Today was different though.

I was looking forward to this walk because the sky was grey which meant it wouldn't be too hot. So right, the bare essentials - top, jeans, shoes. Going off my street droplets started falling from the sky and before I could turn around it was full-on raining.

Summer summer.

It really is autumn now. I know because it's that much harder to get out the bed in the morning. The sky is a swirl of delicate blue with blotches of grey. And it just seems so depressing. What they say isn't true. Love at first sight again? I wish. It's just how it goes and I will never know. The idea should be in order to forget someone first you must find someone else. Someone brighter. As rough as that may sound it's reality. I try to make sure that every day is different from the day before it, I try to avoid routine, I try. But. It's just the same old thing. Just tracing my fingers around that circle over and over and over.

The idea makes me sick.

Orientation/Day.

Free stuff from The University of Auckland Orientation Week. Forgot to include jandals I got and a frisbee the lecturer threw at me but yeah haha. The photo is the stuff I got from the City Campus.

Still have one more orientation to go to at the Tamaki Campus where I will get my free t-shirt for Sport & Exercise Science. Can't wait!

Cherry/Blossom.

Any day now; Autumn. Just remember. She will come and attempt to claim the lives of all we know. Once tender leaves will fall from the trees as rust. And that rust will settle under my new shoes. It's the closest thing to closure.

In the month of February twenty-eight days will pass. Why only twenty-eight? Why take days from February and not December? I think back to my earlier years. I had a very special trait, though it was possessed by many children my age. That trait involved 'favourites'. Favourite colour and whatnot. And thinking back now brings a smile, not a force-applied frown.

My favourite colour has always been green. I feel a certain youthfulness in me now. Green has always been my favourite colour as it was the colour of leaves. I'm not sure if it was everyone who did this but as a child I would place a leaf under a piece of paper, pull out my apple-green pencil and lightly print it onto the paper - just like what you would do with a coin.

It was a truly magical.

It was like cheating on nature. I wouldn't fold this piece of paper. I would hold it delicately with two hands and walk home with it after school to show my Grandma.

"It looks just like a real leaf! Well done!" she would say.

We would be seated in the usual spot on the ground in front of sliding doors. It was her that showed me how to do this. Thinking back really hits me. It was simple really. Nothing too special. My box of toys. Her glass of water or tea. And we could talk all day. Or sit in silence happily.

I was young and didn't understand. I always took the two-coloured pills out of the metallic foil and place them into her trembling hands. She would take them and tell me what a good job I did patting me on my head.

I had no idea what they were for. I didn't think it was medicine or anything. With my experience at that age medicine was liquid, tasted bad and came in a brown bottle. The only thing that were different colours were sweets.

I just thought I was giving her sweets everyday. I didn't know they were pills.

I didn't know.

I don't know what happened next either. She wasn't there anymore. I was five. Why wasn't she where? She was gone.

I remember the cathedral. How everyone walked around where she lay motionless. I remember sitting in my Mum's lap. She turned me around and told me not to look.

Several years later I was clearing out a closet with my Mum. I must have been eight or nine. My Mum showed me X-RAY or ultrasound of what I looked like and she started crying. I didn't understand. Then I came across a piece of paper folded into thirds and a newspaper.

It was a death certificate. On it was the reason of death. And tears.

So we cried together.

Heart/Hope.

Thank you for taking this picture and spending time with me. You are one of my best friends and you always will be. <3

Haven't posted in a while. To be honest, I haven't really been busy or anything. I have had a lot on my mind but I guess that is supposed to help me write.

Mirrors. Break them, and what was it? Like seven years bad luck or something. I am not willing to take that risk even if it is just a myth. Just like how I would never walk under a ladder or be mean to a black cat. When I hop out of the shower in the morning I tend to stare at myself in the mirror for no apparent reason. I guess it makes it easier to floss, wash or whatever. But I always have those days where I squint a little and think - woah, I really look like that? Is this how people see me? Then I go crazy and start seeing things that no one else can't. Abstract. The cruelty, beauty and whatnot that is hidden within this hollow shell.

My Mum would always complain about my hair being too long and how it covers my face. I have my reasons for this but she doesn't seem to understand them. She tries to convince me to cut my fringe and says "but you would look so handsome without it" if she is being nice or "Autumn, your hair is going into your soup" at the dinner table. Which is why I never eat at the dinner table anymore. I can put up with her throwing bananas at me but I don't wish for my appearance to be discussed every meal, every day.

I walk out of the house, go to the park where I meet up with my friend and well, just talk. I asked her what it was like for her in the mornings. She tells me. Then she gets to the delicate topic - how do you see me? How do I see her? I think it must have been quite shocking for me because I suddenly stopped picking at the grass and stared down at my shoes. I ask her - how do you see me?

I asked first.

Damn. That gets me every time. Then she starts to explain. She told me that she looked at her full length mirror every morning before she leaves the house and she does even if she stays at home. She went on, saying she is self-conscious about her hair, her figure, how she looks.

I prepared myself, this wasn't a topic where I would bring out my joking self. I started.

"I guess you're over-worrying yourself. I don't think there is anything to be self-conscious about. If all you worry about is how you look then maybe that's a good thing because you don't worry about what is inside you. There is nothing to worry about. You're a great person, you do well in school, you live with a family that cares for you. How you look is only a very small part although it may seem like something big for you. What you see in the mirror isn't really yourself. It's only a reflection. Nothing but a reflection. I guess no one can ever truly see themselves. Other people can though. Like myself. And you look fine to me."

I think I truly deserved that hug.

This/World.

When pen touches paper my thoughts run wild. Remember when we first met? You seemed so empty. So alone. Just like I was.

With each others company, we grew stronger. You were the one who knew the most about me, the one I could tell anything.

Even though you never responded to my questions, I always found an answer in you.

Answer me this. Why do I feel so alone? Don't ever make me change my mind about this. I swear it's true. I always smile to strangers on the footpath, whether it may be someone going for their evening jog or just someone getting from A to B. They rarely smile back.

I guess that means I'm not the only one who is lonely. A lot of people are. How can this world be so populated yet so deserted. Why is it so easy to take, but so hard to give? What happens to the innocent?

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I overheard a young girl reciting this in the arms of her parents at the beach one cloudless evening. I looked up and saw this one star in the sky. So bright. A sign of hope.

There was nothing absurd about her wish. I grasped my own hand, closed my eyes and tilted my head slightly.

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I sat there in silence, the waves crashed upon the shore. But hold on, what am I wishing for? I clamped my eyes shut so tight that numerous colours splashed across my vision.

I wish... I wish... the gaps between these fingers were filled with yours. I opened my eyes; dozens of stars were in the sky now. But still, this one star shined so bright.

To whoever reads this, wish upon a star. If we were all like this child, innocent and filled with wonder when we saw the first star in the evening, make a wish, and make that wish come true. Maybe if we did we wouldn't feel so alone.

Just like this child. She held both her parents hands and wished that they would never leave her, that they would always be by her side.

We were both wishing for the same thing. Love. And for love to always be in our lives. If only we had love we would all be content.

Be strong. The world does not watch us break down and laugh. It lets us choose our own path and allows us accept what we see. Yet this world doesn't matter to me. I've longed to tell you how I feel and how fast my heart beats, how strong it is. Never will I see life in someone elses eyes.

Never/Again.

An absolutely perfect moment in mid-December. Black and blue hair covered both her eyes. Her snowy white shirt and caliginous jeans hid only a rainbow of colours beneath. Every step she took brought her closer. To me.

She stopped, leaned forwards and ran her fingers through the grass. A dandelion. She breathed in deep. She breathed me in. And blew. A cascade of snow in the middle of summer.

I stood firmly on the pavement and looked down at my shoes. They were red, laced with white over and over again; until they stopped at what seemed like a perfect bow just above my ankles.

If only I could tie them to the moon, so I would never get lost in you.

I looked up and saw that she now seated in the grass. Her right leg over her left. The sun low in the sky.

As I approached, she turned, smiled and signaled for me to sit down beside her.

"can I see them now?" she said quietly.

She took the camera from around my neck. She was so close. Her peppermint breath. No, spearmint.

"Wow," she said. "These aren't bad, actually they're beautiful."

She turned at me again.

"Not beautiful because I took them," I paused. "But beautiful because of what's in them."

She smiled. Her braces gleamed in the sunlight. I raised my hand and used my fingers to gently brush her hair out of her now sparkling eyes.

Eyes so violet; yet green.

Flash/Vignette.

All we needed was time, but that time destroyed us. I have come to realise that some things cannot be prevented. No matter how much you fight. No matter how hard you try. Once the earth is salted it will die and we will die with it. It's that silence that makes everything uneasy. The silence when everything goes from black and white to colour. I don't know why it aches. It's a pain in my chest, in my lungs. I've been pierced by a thousand needles. So what if I'm strong? Soon all my limbs will numb. I will be unable to move. The crimson that flows through my body will become blue. Sometimes I think that I'm better off without. But I remember your words. We are the same, as your hands went into my pockets. Whatever you do I'll be behind you - from the start and forever until I die. It was incredible. The world doesn't matter to me. I'll give up everything to breathe the same air as you. It's so easy to figure out what you need and it's so hard to understand why you need it. You told me you hated them. I used to think; why though? But now I realise, it wasn't a thousand needles that pierced my lungs. It was a single needle to pierce my heart. The sky starts grey in the morning, but in the evening it is a passionate shade - like a blend a lilac and fuschia. People change, I told myself. For better or worse. What I thought was totally wrong. I was the one who changed. I am the one to blame. Not you. I can't set myself straight. You said absence makes the heart grow fonder, but only for a little while. Too late now. My days roll by slowly. Before I sleep I grasp my phone in hope for a text, a call, whatever. Just a sign that you are thinking of me.

To be disappointed and sad in the morning because I used to wake up for you, but now I wake up to the sound of my alarm.

Wish/Dream.

It's 3am, I'm falling asleep. You have that scent; the one you always wear. We are so close to each other. Every corner that the bus turns sends me flying into you or the other way around. It's almost magical. Yet there is not a sound. I'm ready to listen, reply, return the question. I can tell you are too. It's just that it's gone. What we once had is no longer ours. I don't think I am ready to accept this. It gives me that feeling. It feels like inside your heart is sinking. We are close. But how about closer? The closer in the sense of, me moving to another seat and you following because you miss me. Because you want to. It just runs through my mind all the time.

The false pretense. Why though?

That time where you had your hands in my pockets and we wished time would slow down, not speed up. When it was so cold, even with the afternoon sun, that it was necessary to cuddle and dance on the spot to keep warm. But now it's summer there is no need. I love the way that we laugh until we cry, dance until we die.

Don't leave.
I'll see you in the morning tomorrow.
I know.
But that's so far away.
I'll come earlier.
You promise.
I promise.
Even if it rains.
Yeah.
Even when the sun refuses to shine anymore.
Yeah.
Why.
Because.
Because what.

I'm not sleepy anymore. We are in the dark, off the bus. I can't believe you wanted to take this bus alone, at this time without anyone. I get worried. It's because I care for you. A lot has happened that we haven't been able to control. And the things we could control we didn't. It's why I don't understand books, it makes me hate them. Books have happy endings, books have sad endings; but why do books have to end. Things don't have to end, they can keep going. They can keep going.

Because I miss you and I still do.

Misguided/Misunderstood.

Why do we always have feelings we can't express? I'm trying to express my emotions by writing but it's just impossible sometimes.

Pen with paper. Paper with pen. They were meant to be. It's like Fate tied them together using some sort of invisible thread. Impossible. Fate. Those events that would happen in the future inevitably. You're so wrong. There is no such thing as Fate, yet I see you before my eyes.

"Star crossed lovers," she said. "They say we're not meant to be."

I couldn't believe it. You were letting specks of green and violet in the sky tell you what was right and what what was wrong. You're the wisest person I know. But right now. I don't even know who you are.

I'm sick and tired. You're the sky that I fell through. Chills run down my spine when our fingers entwine. Please come home. Fate. If you exist, tell me why her eyes harmonise with mine.

You don't know do you? Yet you signal our every move; plant obstacles, napalm and martyrdom everywhere. If there is one thing that I know, it's best to just let go. Your hazel eyes paralyse my senses as if you are signaling me to stay. I saw the tears on your face but couldn't make a sound.

This time I will be listening.

"Do you think I am pretty. Do you like me for who I am? Do you dare take this hand?" she asked.

No, no and no.

I don't think you are pretty, I think you are beautiful. I don't like you for who you are, I love you for who you are. But this hand, has been nothing but a burden that creates pain. I longed to find words that I'm feeling. My world flips upside down. My heartbeat races faster and faster. Never believe because you will finally wake up. To find a twist. Broken promises, broken hearts.

When you see your life in someone's eyes everything may seem right. But when you give up everything you have to breathe the same air as they do you receive nothing but pain. The world is cruel. It enjoys breaking us down and then slowing time when we're alone.

Break the silence. Please.

Whispers turn into shouting. Shouting turns into tears. Tears turn into laughter and it takes away my fear.

I know the word know. I feel... I feel inspired.

The world is cruel.

But the world doesn't matter to me. Nothing can change me but myself.

Static/Airwaves.

Strange. Whenever I'm lost in thought I go for a walk, and whenever I go for a walk I end up here at this bay. The water never came in and it was possible to walk at least two hundred meters out. If I could, I would live here and watch as people come and go in attempt to feel. To feel anything but isolation. If I ever dozed off in the afternoon I would awaken to the orange glow of the sun on my skin, to the chattering of sparrows eagerly returning home before the Moon caught them out late. The cool southern breeze.

I wait anxiously, scanning the velvet sky. For that speck of green. I would do this once a week. Every week. It wasn't a routine. No one should ever live by routine. Doing this made me feel like I had made the most out of my day.

The cool southern breeze would always sweep through my hair and skim across my skin before it proceeded to the hills. And here I am beneath these Southern Lights. I felt like floating away, lost in a silent ballet. Everything is peaceful, especially myself with I. Inside me I feel totally relaxed. I feel something build inside me, numbing all my senses yet sharpening them at the same time.

And when I open my eyes I can finally see.

Everyone lives a different life. Everyone has different wants, different needs, different goals. I see myself as a jack of all trades, being good at a lot of things but not good at one specific thing. I try my hardest to be a unique person, to stand out from the crowd. I see people who try to do that inspirational. And to those people I heard a voice through the discord of a deluge of passersby. And I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by. I swear I'll know your face in the crowd and I'll hear your voice so loud when you're whispering.

But because I'm not in this stream of people, I find myself isolated. I find myself with very low self-esteem but I have a want; that of being around people constantly. I feel insecure all the time but I don't fix this. I'm just so lazy when it comes to these things and it consumes me until I feel as one with it. I get offended very easily and I can't take practical jokes.

But perhaps the worse thing I do is hold grudges. I just got angry and jealous of people so easily. It's confusing to not only me, but those around me. Does this make me a bad person?

Moving along. Life is falling back into place. As I said a few posts back I'm going to University. I'm doing the courses I want. I've pretty much applied for everything except two classes which I have to get manually enrolled. Also, I need one more elective. And then, after everything is processed I'm done. I just have to attend open day on the third of next month and another on the twenty-sixth and I'm done. I'm totally ready.

I don't know. But. This seems very much like my dream. I got into the course I wanted to do and when I complete it I will be able to help people. I love helping people. It's an amazing feeling. Also, I have a few friends in the same course I am doing so that's cool.

So yeah.

Life isn't so bad. In fact it's good.

Symphony/Time.

I'm addicted. I'm needy. I'm lost without you.

I had to restrain myself. I couldn't let these words slide off my tongue. Whatever happened, I said I wouldn't. I try to make eye contact, I try to repair this bond between us. I try so hard to just talk to you, just to walk next to you so your hand would brush across mine. But the harder you try, the harder it is.

I can't read your mind. But I can read your eyes, although I never get the chance. I dare not to stare into them, in case I get lost. And when I build up enough courage nothing. I catch you, I know you were looking at me. But you look away. I look away embarrassed.

Regardless of our distance, our hopes grow greater. Swept by pretty eyes and letters for, a time. The only thing that I've been waiting for. I hope it's something worth the waiting. It's the only thought that I ever feel real. Thunderstorms could never stop me. She's simple yet confusing. Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble. Days seem like years in this month of December, the winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep. And never will I give up trying because you're everything to me.

I ask myself.

How does this distance enable us to grow stronger than before, or is this really a decoy and we are growing apart? You sweep me off my feet just to let me fall. I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever. Spare me just three last words.

I need to know now. I'm getting edgy and impatient. I'm lost in my own thought. My own thought. It hurts. Not in my mind, but in my soul. These eyes deceive me. I see the world differently, as does everyone else. I should be blind, but now I see. It's amazingly strange. The little things. The small things. I notice them. The dragging of shoes across the gravel and time. Then time time flies. And time stops. For that split second.

That split second. Where there is nothing, yet everything. No space. No time. It is at this point in time that I don't need to read your mind. I can just read your lips. And you can read mine. These three last words, will be the beginning of something. Something huge. Something amazing. So amazing that I would tremble. All the pain in world fades away. Life.

This split second.

I have decided I can wait. Even if this takes my whole lifetime. You must be thinking, you have an addiction, an obsession. It's not. It's hard to be an object of obsession. You have to be perfect all the time.

Nothing is perfect all the time.

But only, if things were perfect for this split second. Taking a step forward would be leaving it all behind. I'll wear this everyday. Because. Because I don't know.

New/Found.

Exam results have finally come after many, many months. As I delicately tear open this envelope I stop. I am afraid. So many years of my life put into this. So many years. I continue to tear until my thumb is free. The seal is broken. Everything will be clear in a matter of seconds.

And the first words I see.

Provisionally awarded University Entrance.

I trembled. This new opportunity has arisen. I unfold this letter and stare at my marks. Not exceptional. Not average. In fact, quite a bit above average. After counting up the marks and doing some quick arithmetic in my head I came to the conclusion that I was satisfied.

Knowing myself, I know I am not the most hardworking person in the world. I don't get perfect grades. In some ways I don't want perfect grades. I don't want anything.

Was this really worth it?

I do hope so. As I logged into the website for my University I saw that three of my programs so far had been approved. I was so happy. Not only was I in University, but I was accepted in numerous courses.

The smile ceased.

All this schoolwork and studying prior exams last year isolated me from all I adored. I was by myself in a big white room, with big white walls. The door was never opened. It was a wall with a handle. Useful, right? This isolation. I didn't quite understand this feeling. I just longed to be at school. I just longed to be surrounded by people who cared for me. Rather than these inanimate text books, calculators, words on white paper, pens, pencils, stress.

These grades are not worth it. I deserve better, right? I deserve so much better; I told myself. For the amount I lost. My parents used to say - Autumn, you might have lost an orange, but you picked up a mandarin.

WHAT? You might think. It makes no sense. It's just not in English so you wouldn't get it. Anyway it means that you might have lost something huge, but gotten some of that back. This doesn't really apply to me though because I prefer mandarins over oranges.

It's more like I dropped a gem. And I then as I went to pick it up I fell off a cliff.

Isolation. Loneliness.

Even when exams are over I am still lonely at home, watching the non-existent snow fall, trying to achieve perfection. Impossible. Perfection for me is impossible. Perfection cannot be achieved alone.

Lift one of your hands. Doesn't matter which one.

I lift up my left, what about you? Now look at your hand. Spread your fingers so that you feel comfortable and slowly clench your hand. Do you understand what I am trying to get across? Like many people, I opened my hands to grasp this new opportunity; only to receive it, take advantage of it and squeeze it until it is non-existent.

Now open your hands again. What belongs there? Is it a ring on 'that' finger? Is it a pen that should be rested firmly?

Fill these gaps between my fingers with yours. Because you know they fit perfectly. And we will go away. We can stir the stars in the sky and watch them as rain. I dream of being lost in your silent ballet. I dream I am out in the blue and I'm right there beside you.

Do you dare? Can you place everything behind you and spread your wings? Can you turn this new leaf of Autumn? Place me back in the spring so that we may both bloom.

I'm starting again. And NOTHING is going to stand between me and my dreams.

My dreams.

Velvet/Sky.

Someone amazing.
Someone who could be everything you want and more, with a personality that matches yours.
Someone who manages to stay in a good mood despite planet Earth turning slowly.
Someone so hard to describe you can't do it with pen and paper.
Someone you can tell anything and everything, knowing that they will be there for you; to support you.
Someone who can connect with you at such a level you would have never thought it was possible.
Someone who has everything in common with you except shoe size.
Someone constantly on your mind and when you think of them you find yourself smiling. A real smile.
Someone who can make you feel FREE.
Someone who tells you to breathe while carrying you into the velvet sky, to what seemed so distant; but now not so distant stars.
Someone you can talk to. And the they will listen and respond.
Someone you will eventually find a word to describe, but then realise that no word ever invented could describe them.
Someone who motivates you.
Someone who tells you to reach that little bit further to pursue your dreams.
Someone who is a gem amongst coal.
Someone that swears they will know your face in the crowd.
Someone who will hear your voice so loud. When you're whispering.
Someone of top of everything you adore.
Someone beautiful in heart.
Someone beautiful in mind.
Someone beautiful in sight.
Someone, I have found.

Someone, I will not find again.

Experiences/Ohio.

Life is complicated. When I look back five years (as this is as far as my mind allows) I notice that I have changed quite a lot. For better? For worse? I don't know myself.

It seems like yesterday when I started a new school, a new life, met new friends, started taking a different bus route to school, turned a new leaf in the journal of Autumn. I thought the last part of that sentence was quite clever.

As a teenager I felt sudden rushes of adrenaline with each new corner I turned at this new school. So many opportunities, so many different paths for me to follow.

After school each day, I would do my homework, have a conversation with my parent(s) and be in bed by twenty-past-nine every night. Ten at latest on weekends.

Then along came change. Despite this change, I saw everyday differently. There was no such thing as a routine in my life and there still isn't. I continued living my life, but I noticed rapid development in regards with my social life. met new people, started talking to them outside school, found common interests, started dating. Despite knowing people who smoked and did drugs I managed to get to where I am today without touching either.

Then last year, my fifth and final year at school (sounds like I go to Hogwarts).

And then I left my dorm room and entered the great hall where dozens of girls. Some waiting to feed me grapes. Others dancing kinky with their broomsticks. School now seemed like half a prison, half a form of release. Thinking back at the different paths I took, the forks in the road. Choices both right and wrong. Wondering off the path occasionally when lost in thought. I feel like I have learned so much.

But before proceeding any further. In my last year, I managed to make many silly mistakes academically and make even sillier mistakes as the year progressed. I stopped talking to my parents to such an extent they thought I had depression. I crashed so much I started getting counseling and other stuff to help my emotional explosions. I felt like I was constantly shouting at myself. I wanted to hurt myself. I started going to sleep later. Feeling tired all the time.

What may have looked promising at the beginning was now crippled. The rainbow of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet was now black, white, grey and red.

It was actually unavoidable. But. Who knows what life has planned for them? I told myself that once I year I would live a single day as if it were my last. Everything in life was deceiving.

Perhaps I could offer you some advice. Some wise council.

1. You don't have to blend in to make yourself feel accepted. I think I did quite well at this. Do what you are comfortable with. Wear clothes you feel comfortable with, listen to music you feel comfortable with, be someone. Be yourself. And if your friends are true they will accept you for who you are. Friends once. Friends forever.

2. Don't let your emotions control you like I do everyday. But then, saying that, don't act on logic. Just because you read it in a book doesn't make it true. If you feel like your emotions are taking over, hit something, scream your heart out. Cry. It hurts more when you want to cry and you can't.

3. View the world as you would like. You're not the frog that fell into the well, if you know that story. But then you might be, and there is nothing wrong with that. I view the world from underground. I don't see a lot but I can definitely feel it. And if you ever fall and there isn't anyone to catch you. I will.

4. Find a passion, turn it into an addiction. Recently, I discovered how much I liked to write. How I could like my heart and pen. I have a friend who has more of a spiritual addiction. Things that can't be seen, or felt. Something abstract really makes them happy.

5. Have love in your life. I personally haven't had a hug in two weeks. Haha, wait. That isn't funny. See? Emotions took over again to cover up the real ones. I see love as like a tree. You have all your love branch off to different areas. Your parents, your friends, pets, that really comfy sofa, that celebrity, music, excitement. But most importantly, love yourself. I know it's cheesy. But how would you love someone else without doing so? Never say you "loved" something. Love doesn't have a past-tense. If you say you "loved" then you were never truly in love in the first place.

When you're feeling down in this world, when you fall to the ground, remember, I'm there to catch you. I love you.

Did I just express my undying love for you? I'm so embarrassed. I think I might go now. You know you have me.

I love you.

Seattle/Ohio.

Whilst writing this I am taking the train by myself. The train ride into town is as bumpy as usual. Boring, yet exhilarating. I didn't like going around the waterfront, I was pretty much terrified of it. Especially during high tide with water on both sides of the train. But that is only because I highly dislike water. The green, murky water would not only pull me under, but taunt me as I struggle. The result of putting water and I together is death. I have had too many experiences where I get pulled under. The salty taste on my lips has ever lasted.

As I approach town I am underground. I get off the train, grumpy from my ride because it took so long. And because I was alone. Getting back on the surface I noticed the sun had taken refuge from this world and was hiding behind some clouds. I guess even the sun cannot always be happy. Just like many of us. I wasn't meeting up with anybody today. I just wanted to walk around, perhaps go read a book at the library or have a cup of coffee on the veranda.

I stand on the corner of a square. And as the funny green man appears I cross the road in disappointment. If only the light to cross was red for longer, so that I could spend more time around people. Businessman, businesswoman, teenagers, parents, children. Anyone would be fine.

"What movie are we watching?" came a voice from behind me.

I dared not to turn.

"I don't know. We will see when we get there."

A movie sounded ideal. Going into the cinema I saw numerous movies playing. There was the one that was "awesome" as quoted or that one that was "nothing I had expected, but at least I got to spend time with my friends". I turned to leave. I didn't have enough money anyway.

Going to the library was uphill. As I got to the top I remembered that there was a cafe right next to the library. I went in and sat on a couch. Moments later a guy comes up to me and asks me what I wanted. I should have said company but I asked for a Coke with a lemon. Have you tried it? Amazing.

As I sipped from a tall glass, it started to rain. I feel like I'm a narrator commenting on my own life. How boring.

Last time it rained in town I was with four friends. Yes, you count them. Four. It was an epic day. I got to meet two people. Which is what I like, although it's like a fear.

Perhaps, this could be about something else rather than my day alone. When was the last time you had an argument with someone? When I have arguments with my parents, the finishing statement is always "Because I care for and want the best for you."

Bullshit.

Yeah, there you go. The first time I have sworn on my blogs. If you knew what was the best for me I might as well be an inanimate object. Why don't you just do all the thinking for me. All of it. Go on. You know you want to. Control freak.

Could it be less serious though, I mean honestly. For me an argument with a friend is more insane than one with a parent. I remember when I was fourteen. My friend got his first camera phone and was taking photos of everything. Even me. I told him to stop it. He didn't listen so I knocked his phone out of his hands and onto the floor. By accident. The back cover came off and the battery came out. He landed a firm punch right on my arm. Straight away I retaliated and we ended up having a full-on fist fight for half a minute.

Then we both stopped. Looked at each and didn't speak for the rest of the bus ride.

"Bye," he said as he got off the bus.

I waved. I had forgiven him. I knew something this small could not taint our friendship. It was strong. The next morning I saw him and we had forgiven each other.

So what about arguments with someone you are going out with, or someone you like? Isn't that just unbearable. I have had two. Yes. Count them. Two. The first time a girl cheated on me so I was trying to get her to explain why she did it. A couple of texts later I ended up saying "Well fuck you then, if this meant nothing to you I never loved you."

That was probably the harshest thing I have said to someone. Sorry. You know who you are. Emotions were wild. You think that is painful. It was, but. Moving on, last year during study break I had the most insane argument with someone. It didn't seem like an argument at first, it was just like a forum. You have a topic and you discuss it.

The wonder of this was that I managed to work out I was the one making the mistake. That night I crashed into tears. That's me. Eighteen. An adult. Soaking my pillow.

And to this day I haven't forgiven myself.

Strawberry/Avalanche.

I am absolutely craving strawberries right now. If I had strawberries right now I could eat them all day. On the sports channel I was watching the tennis and between plays the players would somehow manage to down a bunch of bananas, a punnet of strawberries and two bottles of blue and red. That sounds like the ultimate energy smoothie to me. Jealous. Heck yes.

Funny though, that is, the way people acquire energy. Everyone knows that in order to 'gain' energy you consume food. And everyone likes food. But perhaps, something our bodies undoubtedly need is protein. But does anyone know how much we need and what it does to our bodies?

I definitely didn't know. And being my curious self I asked my good friend Google.

Actually, lets start from my biology textbook. Yes, I still have it, and no, it wasn't thrown into flames.

Firstly, from the top of my head, I remember that proteins are made from amino acids. And these amino acids cannot be created in the body, hence we must obtain them from the consumption of food.

I remember going out to eat with the extended family at a half-fancy restaurant. No-one had to order because the host, an Uncle, had done it for everyone. Oh, I thought, you are so wonderful, you know exactly what I want. And to such an extent you don't have to ask twenty-odd people what they wanted. Considerate. Not.

Turns out what we all got was steak.

Every started to dig in as if they were just let out of jail or something. I stared at mine, picked up a knife a fork, and cut a segment. Blood poured out of it. I never thought I would be so terrified.

'Mum,' I whispered. 'I don't think this is cooked thoroughly.'
'Be polite and eat it,' she replied. 'It's full of protein.'

I looked at her.

'You need a haircut,' she said.

I looked back down at my plate of protein. I stabbed my fork into it as politely as I could and started to cut. To my disgust, the closer I got towards the center, the more bloody it got. It was basically a cow massacre on my plate with a chainsaw.

'Hope everyone is enjoying the venison,' my Uncle said.

I didn't think it was possible. But my eyes grew even wider, if they went any wider my eyeballs would fall out. Venison, that means it was Bambi, I couldn't eat Bambi. I told myself I wouldn't eat out with my family again. Unless it was pizza or something along those lines.

After some time on Google, I noticed every website told me that meat was the best single food that provided protein. Yet, after this experience at the restaurant I don't think I could trust any animal products.

I was now curious about other ways to obtain large amounts of energy, which was what I searched on Google. Turns out there is something call 'Essence of Chicken'. After some quick reading I found out that whole chickens were placed in this room or something where they turn the temperature up so much that the chicken don't cook, they melt. They melt. What? I thought the only thing that could melt was ice cubes and ice creams. A chicken can melt? I was terrified. Apparently, having a shot of this 'Essence of Chicken', which was black, would provide the same amount of energy as eating three whole chickens.

Wow, that is a lot of chicken. Imagine three squirming chickens in your mouth and you swallowing it. Excuse me, but that is freaking disgusting.

Okay, so after you have read above I hope you know that this world is crazy. You can never trust food. Be sure to read the ingredients and nutritional information before you consume anything boys and girls. But there is a cure for this spreading disease. If you see the words 'vegetarian/vegan suitable' you're in luck.

Maybe you could try consuming more plant-based foods, such as legumes and pulses. Things like soy beans are not only rich in protein, but magnesium, phosphorous, zinc, and Vitamin B. But most importantly, when you dig a fork into it, it doesn't squirt blood at you.

Now, I could go into the whole 'global' aspect, but this blog is about me, yes, I'm self-centered. But there are some things you should notice. Acres upon acres of forest are cleared each year to allow expansion of farms or roads. And in these forests, who knows, there could be a cure for cancer, or a natural anti-depressant.

I would like both of those things.

Night/Time.

Snow is falling. I was on web-cam with a friend. She told me I looked ridiculous with my scarf and layers. I told her it was snowing. I'd never seen someone's eyes open so much. She started to ask me all these questions. She wanted to know everything.

So in a nutshell, it starts to rain and then the weather is so cold it becomes snow.

Isn't it fascinating. Planet Earth. Being Autumn, of course, I know how the seasons work. The Earth rotates slightly tilted, twenty three degrees or something. Generating seasons. Producing life. Allowing you to have ridiculous conversations with people on the other side of the globe.

It's like everything was planned to happen in a specific way. My friend (who has numerous theories about how Planet Earth works) told me about 'parallel universes'. Somehow, magically, there are infinite replicas of our universe, each with something slightly different happening.

It could be something really simple. In one universe someone could be walking along a footpath and step over a banana peel. In another world, the same person might pick it up and place it in the bin. In another world, the same person may pick up the banana peel and consume it.

Now, not saying that my friends is wrong. He is in fact a very close friend of mine. I highly disagree with what I mentioned above. It was my turn to talk after what seemed like a lecture. I asked him if he acted on logic. He said yes. Straight away. I looked at him. He looked at me slightly afraid. Why? He told me it was simple, I read books, I gather information and I put it all together into my own library.

I told him I respected his way of thinking. Then I proceeded, I act on my emotions. What you read in those books are composed, edited, revised every so often. They must be pretty accurate. But every page I turn I see the word 'theorem' or 'idea' or 'possibility'. Science is so certain isn't it? Now that I think about it, it has absolutely killed me taking physics, chemistry and biology in one year. I learned nothing, just some silly ideas that were somehow backed up by experiments, apparatus and Pythagoras.

I believe, firmly, that everything just simply happens. But everything is linked somehow. Everything, both animate and inanimate are linked. Call me crazy. But this is what I think. Because everything is linked, the outcome of anything is linked to every one of us. Say, you scream as hard as you can at the waterfront. This scenario is near impossible I know, but this could trigger the air to change temperature and this wind current will eventually make itself to a forest far away. Congratulations, you just helped a tree.

Okay, I admit it. This blog is just getting really ridiculous now. But I want you to ask yourself. What do you act on? When times are tough, how do you pull yourself through. Which leads me onto something I've been trying to develop over the years. Everyone has wings. Yes, that's right. Everyone has wings. These wings are unique for everyone, just like our fingerprints. There are different shapes. Different shades. But no-one can see them. And, when times get tough, these wings spread and pull you through. It doesn't happen everyday, but you know those close encounters and you get the sudden adrenaline rush, your heart beats faster than a double-kick in a metal band. Just before that, for the millisecond between a normal heartbeat and a racing one, you're wings spread. And the feeling is amazing.

Define yourself from the group.

How come nobody ever had the guts to say this?

The grass is green because it is.

Actually, the grass absorbs every spectrum of light except the green that we see. WHAT? You're saying a crazy rainbow we can't see is somehow traveling through the air and striking things and somehow we see green, or orange, or red, or purple. When you think about it, isn't it a hypocrisy? I don't trust any of this.

I can no longer feel safe when reading a book.

Science. You just failed at life.

And I just failed you in school.

Jealousy/Care.

I must admit that I get jealous quite easily. But what brings about jealousy? Jealousy starts with a definite something. I know, that doesn't make any sense. This 'something' may be animate or inanimate. But somehow it triggers something inside you.

That seed of doubt you have deep within yourself. When it sprouts you know, you can feel it inside you. You know that feeling, when you think to yourself - damn. I wish I could spend more time with so-and-so or I wish I could go somewhere with so-and-so. You know what I mean.

So whoever reads this. Tell me, what makes you jealous? Who is the green-eyed monster you know? You see, I'm trying to find my place. But it might not be here where I feel safe.

Here's a real life scenario for you. I'm currently on holiday, taking time away from it all. But being my antisocial self, I tell my friends I don't want to hang out. I don't want to go see that movie in 3D. I don't want to go to some restaurant. I don't want to go to karaoke.

But deep down.

I love hanging out with my friends more than anything in the world. Growing up in the wrong environment has really gotten to me. Yes, this house falls apart everyday. I want to see Avatar in 3D. I don't care how nauseating it may be. I don't care if I choke on Popcorn (which I always do). I want to come to this restaurant. I want to have a meal with my friends before they all break off into the big bad world. I want to go to karaoke. I want to burst one of my lungs singing.

But what is wrong with me.

If I want to hang with my friends. Why don't I? It's not like my friends do drugs, smoke or drink. They are all good citizens in this small town we live in. There is just something inside me that triggers.

I would say, "I can't come."
A voice over the phone would be like, "Why not?"
"Because... because I have plans."

Yeah. And that plan is to sit in my room. Turn off all the lights. Make myself into a ball and flood my room with tears. I am the one that plants this seed of doubt in my own mind causing jealousy.

So, perhaps my statement in my first paragraph was completely wrong. Whatever triggers this green-eyed monster is only infuriated by yourself. By this lust within you.

Without this lust, no-one would be jealous.

And what a world we would live in. A utopia? Heck no, it would be a the complete opposite. I know for a fact that if there was no jealousy, you would not care. And being caring is important.

I care for you. You know who you are. And I know what triggered this. It wasn't jealousy. It was pure love. But sometimes you get that sudden strike of jealousy. And it's like, hang on a minute, I wish I was with so-and-so.

"I care for you."

Seriously, when was the last time ANYONE said this to you. If was right in front of you right now. Whoever you are. And I looked in your eyes. Said - "I care for you."

How would you feel?

I know how I would feel. Magical.

"I care for you Autumn, I love y-"

Oops, I think I just got a little off-topic there. But if someone said that to me I think I would probably melt inside. So no matter the season. Summer. Autumn. Winter. Spring. Walk up to someone you know. Maybe if you're daring, walk up to someone you don't know on the street and say "I care for you. No matter what happens."

Concluding (fancy words now), if this might seems ridiculous to you, leave me a comment if you think I'm wrong. But, I think without jealousy there would be no care. And without care we would not be where we are today. Hence, without someone exhibiting jealousy we would not be happy. But let's ignore this.

Tell this to the next person you see - "I care for you."

And watch their eyes light up.

Spread a little love.

Beauty/Happiness.

I was talking to a friend the other day. Out of sight, out of mind he asked me if I would like to answer a riddle. Knowing myself, I said yes straight away. He proceeded. The question was - If I have a bee in one hand, what do I have in the other?

I stared at him blankly. Oh gosh, I thought, I was never very good with riddles.

"Honey," I said arrogantly.

"Nope," he said. "Do you give up?"

Damn I thought, beaten at my own game.

"Beauty," he said with a smirk on his face. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

I didn't understand. But now I do.

Another scenario. The other day I was looking at photos with my Mum from a wedding my family was at in January last year.

Mum said "Oh look at that. Weren't you wearing a nice suit that day?"

It was a nice suit. But I couldn't see what was different between my suit and say, for instance, my Uncle's suit or my Dad's suit. They were all black. I got mine at the same place my dad got his.

"Mum," I said. "They all look the same to me."

My Mum started pointing at different aspect of our outfits that stood out. She told me that my tie was done nicely, traditionally with the 'double-Windsor' and that my Dad's looked like a clip-on tie.

And when I looked closer, I understood what my Mum meant. And of course, linking back to that statement above. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We all see beauty in a different way.

So, knowing myself I asked my Mum, "What do you think of this photo?"
She replied, "Oh, the photo is absolutely gorgeous."
"No," I said. "It's not the photo. It is the people that are in it."

I pointed at myself, stood up and walked away.

So, it's obvious now isn't it? Everyone sees beauty in a different way. I remember biology camp two years back. I was doing the dishes when a beetle fell from the air and landed in the boiling hot water. I dropped my dish and cutlery, terrified. Anything with more than four legs would literally scare the living light out of me. Curiously, my friend put her hands into the water, took out the beetle (which was boiled alive) and continued to entertain herself for the rest of the night with it. Entertaining in the sense of chasing me around with it.

So, what do you think is beautiful? Leave this a comment! It's my first blog after all. This might be weird, but I love grass. You know, the green stuff that you might have in front of your house. I just love sitting in it, it gives a prickly sensation and when I'm lost in thought I find myself constantly pulling the out the grass. The feeling is so satisfying.

But I guess something more commonly referred to with beauty is a person. I always browse the net, go on forums, look at peoples profiles. Internet stalker? That's me. But there is always the odd girl or guy (yes I'm confident with my sexuality) that stands out from the rest. Those that I think are being natural instead of being someone else. Just a random thought. Just like in Austin Powers. Why do all the ladies find him attractive? He looks like someone mixed the genes of a caveman and a rainbow, put it in some turkey paste and nine months later you have this. Don't worry about that. I hope I am getting my point across though.

Everyone sees beauty differently.
Everyone has a different definition of beautiful.

You are beautiful.