New/Found.

Exam results have finally come after many, many months. As I delicately tear open this envelope I stop. I am afraid. So many years of my life put into this. So many years. I continue to tear until my thumb is free. The seal is broken. Everything will be clear in a matter of seconds.

And the first words I see.

Provisionally awarded University Entrance.

I trembled. This new opportunity has arisen. I unfold this letter and stare at my marks. Not exceptional. Not average. In fact, quite a bit above average. After counting up the marks and doing some quick arithmetic in my head I came to the conclusion that I was satisfied.

Knowing myself, I know I am not the most hardworking person in the world. I don't get perfect grades. In some ways I don't want perfect grades. I don't want anything.

Was this really worth it?

I do hope so. As I logged into the website for my University I saw that three of my programs so far had been approved. I was so happy. Not only was I in University, but I was accepted in numerous courses.

The smile ceased.

All this schoolwork and studying prior exams last year isolated me from all I adored. I was by myself in a big white room, with big white walls. The door was never opened. It was a wall with a handle. Useful, right? This isolation. I didn't quite understand this feeling. I just longed to be at school. I just longed to be surrounded by people who cared for me. Rather than these inanimate text books, calculators, words on white paper, pens, pencils, stress.

These grades are not worth it. I deserve better, right? I deserve so much better; I told myself. For the amount I lost. My parents used to say - Autumn, you might have lost an orange, but you picked up a mandarin.

WHAT? You might think. It makes no sense. It's just not in English so you wouldn't get it. Anyway it means that you might have lost something huge, but gotten some of that back. This doesn't really apply to me though because I prefer mandarins over oranges.

It's more like I dropped a gem. And I then as I went to pick it up I fell off a cliff.

Isolation. Loneliness.

Even when exams are over I am still lonely at home, watching the non-existent snow fall, trying to achieve perfection. Impossible. Perfection for me is impossible. Perfection cannot be achieved alone.

Lift one of your hands. Doesn't matter which one.

I lift up my left, what about you? Now look at your hand. Spread your fingers so that you feel comfortable and slowly clench your hand. Do you understand what I am trying to get across? Like many people, I opened my hands to grasp this new opportunity; only to receive it, take advantage of it and squeeze it until it is non-existent.

Now open your hands again. What belongs there? Is it a ring on 'that' finger? Is it a pen that should be rested firmly?

Fill these gaps between my fingers with yours. Because you know they fit perfectly. And we will go away. We can stir the stars in the sky and watch them as rain. I dream of being lost in your silent ballet. I dream I am out in the blue and I'm right there beside you.

Do you dare? Can you place everything behind you and spread your wings? Can you turn this new leaf of Autumn? Place me back in the spring so that we may both bloom.

I'm starting again. And NOTHING is going to stand between me and my dreams.

My dreams.