Save/Me.

I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you’re wearing thin down to the core. But. It’s just so cold in the mornings. The layers of clothing and the dark denim jeans were only a desperate attempt to keep me warm. And though they did, inside I felt like the snow falling gently outside these walls. I was confined, chained to thoughts. My eyes felt heavy as they squinted at the bright light of my cellphone. Quarter to six.

Tell me again, why am I awake? Why must I do this without meaning; without reason. I closed my eyes again. I might as well be dead. As I turned on the brightest and second brightest light in the bathroom the sudden explosion brought immediate pain to my eyes. My hands clutched at my head. I felt dizzy, confused, weak.

There was no cure.

I turned on the radio just before I leaped into the shower. That song I never liked. Perhaps the next song would be better. Nope. I hated that song because it was written for you. The steam started to gather and made it hard to breathe. I stood motionless. After dressing I forced myself to stop at the full length mirror. I didn't even care. You can never see what you look like. What you see in a mirror is just a reflection. What you see in a photograph is just colours that managed to arrange itself on glossy paper.

And you could never see yourself through someone elses eyes. I wouldn't want to anyway. The double-takes followed by muttering followed by nods and more muttering. What could they be saying? Oh, it's just one of them. Just a freak. Just a nobody.

I walk into a big white room and sit down on a plastic seat. I dared not to look up although the voice in my head was impatiently whispering - look up, look up; you'll never be able to. The feeling of hopelessness anchors my heart and sinks my soul into an ocean.

I was terrified. I knew I couldn't swim.

Fix your clothes and your hair, I told myself. So that nobody could see the sad truth of this lonely face in the crowd. Then it happened. The moment I would never forget for the rest of my life. Everything I could hope for. The moment that changed my life.

The moment I saw you.