Strange. Whenever I'm lost in thought I go for a walk, and whenever I go for a walk I end up here at this bay. The water never came in and it was possible to walk at least two hundred meters out. If I could, I would live here and watch as people come and go in attempt to feel. To feel anything but isolation. If I ever dozed off in the afternoon I would awaken to the orange glow of the sun on my skin, to the chattering of sparrows eagerly returning home before the Moon caught them out late. The cool southern breeze.
I wait anxiously, scanning the velvet sky. For that speck of green. I would do this once a week. Every week. It wasn't a routine. No one should ever live by routine. Doing this made me feel like I had made the most out of my day.
The cool southern breeze would always sweep through my hair and skim across my skin before it proceeded to the hills. And here I am beneath these Southern Lights. I felt like floating away, lost in a silent ballet. Everything is peaceful, especially myself with I. Inside me I feel totally relaxed. I feel something build inside me, numbing all my senses yet sharpening them at the same time.
And when I open my eyes I can finally see.
Everyone lives a different life. Everyone has different wants, different needs, different goals. I see myself as a jack of all trades, being good at a lot of things but not good at one specific thing. I try my hardest to be a unique person, to stand out from the crowd. I see people who try to do that inspirational. And to those people I heard a voice through the discord of a deluge of passersby. And I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by. I swear I'll know your face in the crowd and I'll hear your voice so loud when you're whispering.
But because I'm not in this stream of people, I find myself isolated. I find myself with very low self-esteem but I have a want; that of being around people constantly. I feel insecure all the time but I don't fix this. I'm just so lazy when it comes to these things and it consumes me until I feel as one with it. I get offended very easily and I can't take practical jokes.
But perhaps the worse thing I do is hold grudges. I just got angry and jealous of people so easily. It's confusing to not only me, but those around me. Does this make me a bad person?
Moving along. Life is falling back into place. As I said a few posts back I'm going to University. I'm doing the courses I want. I've pretty much applied for everything except two classes which I have to get manually enrolled. Also, I need one more elective. And then, after everything is processed I'm done. I just have to attend open day on the third of next month and another on the twenty-sixth and I'm done. I'm totally ready.
I don't know. But. This seems very much like my dream. I got into the course I wanted to do and when I complete it I will be able to help people. I love helping people. It's an amazing feeling. Also, I have a few friends in the same course I am doing so that's cool.
So yeah.
Life isn't so bad. In fact it's good.
Autumn, I like how your posts are personal and emotionally touching.
ReplyDeleteA comment on : "I try my hardest to be a unique person, to stand out from the crowd."
Know that your uniqueness outwardly is evident and there is no need to try to be unique because all forms are unique. Whether someone recognises this is a matter of personal perception. However, what we share is beneath the form, the same source, the same Life, the same fuel for the flame that burns as passion, as love, as joy.
I'm glad for you.